I didn't die in a mass shooting.

Right? It's been so long since I posted it seems like I'm (this blog is) basically dead. Best blogger in the history of the world right here folks. I've been busy with life: ie, not my own life. New life. [Ugh here she goes talking about being a mom, gross]

And I most CERTAINLY have not had time to be on the web. Oh no, not me. No time.

What's it like to have a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old? Since I won't remember any of this due to the loss of memory from lack of sleep, I'll list it.

Besides holding, feeding, cuddling I'm (new moms are) occupied/obsessed with:

• Eating dessert like a pregnant person. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks -- each get a dessert.
• Begging a two-year-old to start using the potty (then getting the equivalent of the bird from that two-year-old -- changing a poop diaper while she mimics us "It's a big old poop, Mommy!")
• Panic attacks RE: cost of childcare for two kids. Heart racing, cold sweats, bending numbers in Einstein-like calculations and coming up with new mathematical theorems in the process. But none that actually make childcare affordable.
• Doing laundry. (Each time I start a load I mentally hum this but with the word 'story' replaced by 'laundry.')
• The 'balancing family and work dilemma.' Newsflash a-holes: there is no solution. (Shut the f up Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer -- you have Nannys and drivers and I hate you).
• Wanting to punch people in the face when they talk about their 2-week-old WHO ALREADY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. I WILL KILL YOU ALL.
• Wanting to line up and then run over with my car the people who judge me based on my toddlers behavior at Trader Joes.
• Not sleeping. Exhaustion. Which leads to...
• Audio Books this one, this one and this one. And I want to read this one. 
• Bookmarking.
• Staring at recipes.
• Staring at king-sized bed frames.
• Staring at vacation packages online. It's creepy, all the staring but I'm so tired I can't make decisions so I just stare.
• Pandora Toddler station. Have to say, it's pretty great. Then this happens. I'm flipping you YOU OFF PANDORA.

I leave you with -- I've had this song in my head for 2 weeks.

Sorry internets, I won't be able to attend SXSW because I'll be holding this pose