4th of July you dirty whore

So for some reason the 4th of July, which is totally awesome as a holiday/birthday/ reason to buy your kid a flag t-shirt without feeling like a redneck even though you kind of are a little bit white trash inside, has become a internet blogger make-something-ridiculous-out-of-a-flag-motif DIY pinterest EVENT TO END ALL EVENTS.

Well this is adorable and totally not-possible for a normal person.

Remember this ? Of course you don't (which, yes, I pinned, dammit!)?

Ooooooooor hows about thiiiis? Yeah, I'm right on that.

But, I do feel like this would be good for a (me) great big fat person for the 4th.

Bluuuughhhhs. What just happend? Flag tac-o salad. Thats what.

Oh, here we go, this just screams I JUST SMOKED CRAAAAAACK FLAVORED PATRIOTISM.

...and don't worry, we didn't forget you mason jars!

But wait, there is more.

I just found the most ridiculous  *

(mic drop)

I'm out.

* Guess what my favorite part of this blog is? Shilling for I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER is just shameful.

Well of course!

Well of course I have a butt-load of time on my hands and a crap-load of burlap just sitting there begging to be transformed. Who doesn't?

Wait. What? A demanding fulltime job, two screaming kids, a 401K that needs shuffling and 1400 loads of laundry to fold? Please. You just march yourself over to that burlap and start crafting!
*blink* *blink* *blink*

Yay! Burlap! Now, if only you feared the lord more. MORE ON THAT LATER.

Pinterst is ruining everything in the entire world

If you don't know how Pinterst is ruining your life, lend me  your ear. Pinterest is calling you out as the lazy piece of person you really are.

Case Study: Recently I went to a Big Boring Corporation party. Calaway's-golf-shirts-&-Dockers-in-2013 boring. A few years ago this place would have served a jar of salsa made by the corporate scientist at FritoLay, cracked up Tostitos and a nice side of shut the hell up. But not now. NO. NOT NOW, BABY. Now they were serving hummus, like this...complete with mini-mason jars and individual servings.

Why just put out hummus in a cereal bowl when you can spend $30 on baby mason jars, and then spend 30 hours filling them?

Is it cute? Yes. Does it make you look lazy and uncreative when you just don't care? Yes. Pinterest is full of craft projects for the people with time. Lots of time.
Chalkboard crap
Photopillow crap
kids activities crap

How does this matter to you? Well, let's see. If you have like, one person over to your house (even if they stop by uninvited) you better have some cutesy mason jar type set-up. If you plan on having  a party you better be at Michaels crying and begging for your coupon to work at least 5 times the week before said party.

Or just hand them a diet coke and be like "I don't care about living the good life. Here."

Go hit Pinterest and search 'Mason Jar.' Or even better 4th of JULY. GO AHEAD. I DARE YOU.