Kingdom first

Money saving for the lord....http://kingdomfirstmom.com/


What are you wearing?

I had a friend and in elementary school* -- we would call each other to plan and match our outfits. That's what children do to feel connected, bond, whatever.

Who would ever have thought the internet would be used so we could all wear the same thing one day and take pictures of wearing that?

There's a site that does a monthly call to bloggers to wear one type of thing and then post about it.

The most recent challenge? Colored tights, bitches....


Making colored tights happen all over the world and then, all over the internet.

Dude, I don't make this stuff up.

*This is when I was 10 years old.


Casseroles Assholes

In 1990 or so, my dear friend Mary and I went to the thrift store in Riverside, California. We bought 50's house marm dresses. For some reason. Then we 50's upped our hairs. Then, in our 50's garb we cooked fish sticks for her mom. We blew the house down dude. It was total awesomeness that only occurs when you are 17, a nerd and bored out of your fucking mind to the point of performance art. Suck it, Tina Fey. It was one of my most favorite memories of my life.

So someone had to ruin it.

These bitches have made a career out of our amazing idea, Mary.

Lookie here. The Casserole Queens.

Yes... they have a website, a blog, a book, an order-out service (they come dressed in 1950s bullshit upon delivery) based around one dish wonders. I'm jealous. I'm pissed. I'm intrigued. I'm flipping through my personally signed copy of their book.* I'm making a grocery list. I'm trying to start my own franchise. I'm canceling my franchise partnership. I'm not cooking for strangers. I can't wear high heels and deliver food. Gross. I'm jealous though. Still.

*Thanks to my friend Liz for the early Xmas gift.

**Yes I was around in 1990. I know, it's totally hard to believe based on my amazing skin and hair.


Wish I would have said that....

Yay Louise CK is Jesus is trending...


Foodies. Ugh.

The internet has created all these subcultures. And SUBsubcultures. Like the gamers, and their whole thing. They call people noobs = newbies. And they say pown instead of own. I don't know or understand.

MY POINT IS there are literally thousands of subgroups that you don't know about at all. And they all have internet followings.

The food/ recipe/ cooking group is huge and here's what it is all about. If you like to cook, are a professional photographer and know how to style food (having worked on Red Lobster for 3 years, it's hard, costs shit loads and one guy in NYC shoots most food on commercial TV) you can have a famous blog. There are lots of them and they all know each other. I'm going to tell you about a few.

This one is cute. She is a photographer (DUH), lives in New York, and knows her shit when it comes to BBQ. Most people do not. Good recipes, too complicated (we had manwiches tonight) for me.

I ran across this one form another one. I"m telling you, they ALL KNOW EACH OTHER.


+er ?

I'm a freelance advertising writer. I move from workplace to workplace regularly. When a [temporary] co-worker "friends" me on facebook I feel...panicky. Guilty. Caught. Locked in. And then, I realize - who cares?

Are you using Google+? Is anyone you know using? As a blog writer, it's a really great place to put things. Heres why: people respond thoughtfully. Not worried about a person you met in 2001 at starbucks? Yeah,  Google+ers or whatever they are called, will respond in meaningful, non-crowd conscious ways to your post. And you can even decide who will see these posts. It's nice. It might be because you've chosen +ers' (let's call us that for a moment) more selectively by design, unlike facebook - which is now shoe-horning that feature in. Which will not work, btw. Are you really going to start limiting people's access to your account? Do you know how? I don't. 

I find the more interesting people I know are quietly talking, gathering (conversion rates aren't that high and I suspect won't ever be) in a small little corner on the web. It's nice to have a quiet place to gather. Why +er not?


I'm supposed to post everyday this month!

So are you!

And it's called : NaBloPoMo 
Will you help me stay up and do this?
Yes or No?


So...whats...new? I haven't read any annoying blogs lately. But what I did do, I found a bunch BLOG images. Stock photogs.
Hilarious? I THINK SO. Fun. YESSSS. NaBloPoMo my Blog.

We're having a blogue!

Hummm, seems like the internet is involved in this conversation.

Many people will come to this blog of yours!

It's the late 90's. You type the word "blog" into your Microsoft Windows 95 Word. That is all.


I hate your kids and their stupid faces - A guest post.

Things are a little hectic post vacation. Sooooo my friend and hilariballz amiga, MCB is helping a biotch out. I love her rye observations on America's youth. They literally have been handed the tools to be creative, irreverent and empowered. And what do they do with these tools? (A video camera when were we kids) And we're off to go coning....
This is what we used to video taped events in the 1980's.


I’m a 28 year old junior in college. Yes, I know. You don’t have to say it. Just keep your eyebrow raised for the rest of the post. So here I am quietly trying to finally finish my degree, and the people around me are anywhere from 6-10 years my junior. Needless to say it’s provided interesting insight into the psyche of generation … hmm, I’m not sure what generation these troglodytes are a part of. I stopped keeping track.

So I’m sitting in my mass communication class, and the professor announces we are to begin research on our informative speeches. In my head I’m thinking: Ha, I’ve already got my topic. I’m ready to go, sister! I immediately decided upon hearing the assignment to cover the Tunguska Event, which is a phenomenon that occurred in Sibera in the early 1900s that looks as if it were a nuclear blast. Clearly, the atomic bomb had not been invented yet… so how could that happen? Interesting, right?

Then, the roof caves in. My professor stipulates that not only must it be informative, it must also be a topic which the rest of the class will find interesting. Ugh, well, that obviously eliminates the Tunguska Event. I guess I need to change my topic to Jersey Shore.

Suddenly, a man child in my classroom leaps for Jesus and announces that he’s got the perfect idea for his informative. “CONING!” he exclaims. A group of his companions sitting around him laugh. The professor and I, and most of the rest of the class, are left with a questioning look on our faces.

Professor: Coning? Like as in cones? Like traffic cones?

Manchildstudent: No, like ice cream cones. What you do, is you go to a fast food place through the
drive thru and order an ice cream cone. THEN when the server gives you the cone you grab it by the ice cream end, and eat it. YOU HAVE TO EAT IT RIGHT THERE!!!

He then looks around for laughter, which doesn’t come.

Professor: So you just eat it? And, that’s it?

Manchildstudent: Yeah, but like, it’s super funny because you grab it by the ICE CREAM. NOT BY THE CONE. OH! And you have to keep a straight face! And have someone there to video it! YOU HAVE TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE OR IT DOESN’T COUNT!

The rest of the class, barring the group of friends immediately surrounding him, looks as if they want to bang their heads on their desks. Myself included. Is this REALLY what college students are doing these days? Yep, apparently it is.


Christ, even Justin Bieber is doing it.




You are Not Alone - Other People Hate :D

Look, it feels good to know you're not alone. That's why we listen to slow jams about break ups, etc.  So when I asked a friend to guest post I was super excited to see they also hated on several blogs. And by "hate" I mean feel jealous about others funny and interesting blogs.

So, with that I bring you a great blog hate from "Hate so Hard" Jason Hensel....a fabulous friend, smart writer and generally SUper DUper funny and interesting...READ HIS BLOG DAMN YOU.


What do you do for lunch? 

If you’re like me, you round up a couple of co-workers, passports in hand, and head to DQ country where you proceed to order the four-piece steak finger basket combo finished off with an Hawaiian Blizzard. Then you return to work vowing never to do that again for the rest of the year. But Monday comes around, and what the hell, it’s back to DQ country. Anything is better than sitting at your desk.

Or you could be like Mr. Paul Debraski and read at lunch. And listen to cool albums. And then come back and write well thought-out reviews of what you just read and heard.

I hate you Mr. Debraski. I hate you so hard.

You know what I see when I visit your blog, “I Just Read About That...”? I see a big, lazy-ass reading it and wishing he would choose his time more wisely. I see a guy who wakes up every day with the best of intentions, only to come home in the afternoon and walk around his back yard, staring up at the trees, wondering when those two pomegranates will be ripe to pick.

God, I sound pathetic. That’s why I hate your blog Mr. Debraski. It’s just too damn good. It makes the rest of bloggers and writers and dreamers face a side of ourselves we’d rather not see.

So, please keep up the good work so I can know my shortcomings. Because like the immortal Joan Jett says, “I hate myself for loving you.”http://www.pimplomat.com/


It's not all Haterade, people.

Sometimes I wish I would have named the blog something more positive. Don't like the idea that the word HATE is in the blog I write. But whatever. Know what I mean? I like, LOVE a lot of things.

I like this blog. It's real. And pretty. And she's not perfect. How original? Enjoy a few pages of this with your morn coffee. LOVE, IHYB


I am a woman in love

....and I'll do anything....to get you into my wooooorld. It's the riiiiiiiiiight .....Sorry, I got lost in a Bababa Streisand song.

I love this amazing project.

Awesome 1985 TV. Amazing decore *so far*. Amazing abs. Wait. What?

I literally am on the edge of my *flabby butt* seat each Tuesday waiting to see what's next...as should you....

Read this for the story. Then, watch this now please cause it's totally amazballz. And let's love for a bit...


Guest Post - Hell Yeah!

The freaking hilarious Miss Etsy Stalker will be hating today...

Hi. Hiya. It’s Julie guest posting over here from Etsy Stalkers. Never heard of me? Rudddde.

Anyhooo, have you folks heard of Catalog Living? Of course you have. EVERYONE reads Catalog Living. Why? Because it’s funny, clever and brilliant. In short, I hate it.

Catalog living takes your everyday pics from your favorite Pottery Barn, West Elm, etc. catalogs and pokes fun at them. I mean hellllooo, why didn’t we all think of that? Of course this blog has over 28,000 followers and is written by Molly, a Los Angeles-based actor, writer, and comedian. Awesome, she’s not only super funny and successful on the interwebs, she’s also fabulous in real life.

Molly also happens to be the super funny chick in the Sonic commercials. Biaaaaatch.
I hate her and I hate her blog. And by that I mean I totally want to be her when I grow up. Call me.

Now, here's something you'll enjoy :) [from IHYB]



Hummmm, do I love this or hate this?

It's a blog feature where they take a OUTFIT OF THE DAY and turn it into a child outfit. I can't tell if this is terrible or totally cute and ironic and funny.

When I read the bio, me thinks it's not ironic.

I mean, are we really blogging about kids fashions, Mom? Really? It's not hard enough being a kid and a Mom these days? Wow.

This will keep you busy

I haven't had time to go super duper through it, but it's a blog of the dumb shit people do in blog form. Check it...I would add starting a blog to that list, too...


Fashion Shmashion

Who needs to feel bad about their fashion sense today? YOU DO.

It's this, meets this, meets her. And she's being featured on some new show or something about fashion or something. And she's got cool hair that would look trashy on me. And her blog is CREATED BY...

I'm wearing Gap, TJ Maxxxxxx, and DSW today, FYI.


Yes, I hate your blog.

Let's go a quick catch-up on why I hate your blog, their blog, people who say Blogosphere, etc:

1. You (Bloggers) are just like me and you. You just got lucky.
2. Your timing on blogging was great. You were early and fast to the game.
3. You know Photoshop.
4. You know a little HTML. 
5. You started your blog with a compelling and relatable topic, but now, all you blog about is your hectic life as a blogger.
6. You got a book deal.
7. You quit your job.
8. Your husband/wife then quit their job, so they could help run the blog.
9. You created a media empire, by accident maehehehHHEHEHEHEHEHEH hhhaaahahahah....so clever!
10. ...help me out people ....fill in the blank....


The DIYers Continued

Remember these F-ers?

The perfect DIYers who started blogging about fixing up their old house? And they got sooooo famous they had to buy a new house, so they could fix it up, and blog about it? Yeah, of COURSE YOU DO.

So they have their own collection on Joss & Main tomorrow. I'm sure they are making like a decent % of every sale. So go ahead, buy something.

On an up note, I did kinda finish the kids room. Ten months later, but who cares? Seriously, who?

I'll probs buy that mirror and a pillow. Or two.  Have I mentioned how much I hate bloggers? Pfsssssss.


The baby blogger

Ugh. Here we go again. Feel depressed on a Monday? How about this....

Tavi is making us all feel like the Gen X slackers we are.
This adorbz and intelligent gal is like 15 and has her own blogging/fashion empire. She's funny, articulate and not pretentious. Kinda. She's really cute, but it is generally annoying to be reading stuff from a teenager that is funnier then your own material. And she was born the year I graduated from COLLEGE.

I don't even understand 90% of the blog because it's so fashion forward. (Me today: wearing my full on Marshall's party cardi, teacher capri pants, DSW sandals. Can't you just see it? Fuuuukc yeah)
Style Rookie? I think not.

I heard her on NPR this weekend. Yeah, she's being interviewed on Weekend Edition. What did you do this weekend?

Check out her blog, or her new project magazine thing, decipher for me, and get back to me. Thanks.


How to be a Blogger Bajillionaire Tip

Here's a tip on becoming a famous blogger.

Know Photoshop. Learn how to "bloggerize" "etsyize" "food porn ize" those photos, people.

There are sold out classes in Portland and Williamsburg specifically to teach babybloggers how to Photoshop the shit out of their pics.

Look, this is how.


Oh Pioneer

Pioneer Woman is part of my "Big Guns" blogger series. These bloggers are like, huge.

Have you guys seen this blog?

I used to read this one...in a nutshell...She's from the big city. He lives in Oklahoma. She ditches her $300 shoes and lattes to move to the country. I loved that she became a mom and wife and was super excited about it. Love that.

So now, Pioneer Woman has a network of sites, a TV show, book-SAH (that's more than one book people), I'm sure a line of Pioneer Woman at Williams Sonoma are on their way. The site is a cluster F. The TV show looks like they have some staged bullshit ridiculousness (rope a cattle, in a gypse tunic from Nordstroms?)

Hey, Pioneer Woman, the cliche "Fish Out of Water" called and it wants its blog back. 

Here's the thing. Her recipes are okay. I made the spinach salad once. Nothing breakthrough. She does a giveaway for clothes she never wears. Is that cute, or weird? Either way, I stopped reading her blog long ago, because all she talked about was her book deal. I can't really relate, and I just wanted some easy recipes that were nom. I highly doubt any REAL pioneer women bitched about how much the missed their DH due to an agressive in-store appearance schedule.

Oh Pioneer woman, then you started doing grammer stuff and home schooling advice you became super lame. And now you're too big for your stereotypical cowgirl blogger boots.


I suck

I'm clearly not winning when it comes to blogging. A sick kid, new work load and my own illness threw me off track. Luckily, 3 people read my blog! YeaaaaH! Thanks Sam, Julie and Mary!!!! I HEART YOU.

Since we last met, Kendi has opened a store, in McKinney, which is about 20 minutes from my house. Weird. Like, is she stalking ME now?  I'm still trying to decorate my 10 month old's nursery, which isn't a nursery anymore, now issssss it? And I've made this for dinner 3 nights in a row, it's all I got people. I'm just not perfect. I friend came to visit me and went did so kick-ass thrift store shopping and ate fabu BBQ. I had a fabulous gal's weekend here, and I made a pumpkin jack-o-lantern with felt eyes that is totally cute.

These are all the things a fabulous blogger would have covered in a how-to post or whatever. Instead, I"l just try and keep making fun of other blogs. Thanks for reading my blog about annoyingly perfect bloggers.


Happy Birthday to me Not. Really.

So far for my birthday, I got to drop screaming child off at day care... as a super sensitive, in-tune Dad walked by and said, "who is getting waterboarded?" Yay.

*sniffle sniffle*

anyways, You know what else sucks on my birthday? Bloggers who get their own magazine.

Me, exasperated at just trying to put food on the table...you,
making everything pretty and partyish and perfect.


Mommy Blogger Month: Perfect Mommy

You know how I use this blog as a way to express what I suck at? Well, guess what? I suck at blogging, too! Yay me!!!!

Mommy Blogger Week turned into Mommy Blogger month, because I clearly can't handle life and blogging all in the same week.

This post is about how blogging and life are tough. Let's just leave it at that. So, if you know of a mommy blogger who is Mrs. Perfect (of course she goes by Mrs.) hit me up. I will ruin her in my own mind.

Aaaaaaaaanyways. Here's cute picture of my child. Poor gal.


Mommy Blogger: Coupon Mom and Common Sense

So I came across this article, and you know what. Stephanie, AKA Coupon Mom, AKA rich biotch Coupon Mom with a book deal, this is really sound, reasonable advice. I could actually get behind this.
She's not like, EXTREMELY COUPONING. Or trying to stick it to the man.

She's just got, well, common sense. Anyone? Helllooo?

Here's her advice, in a nutter shell:
Cook food at home.

Wash your own lettuce. Dumbass.

Use coupons when you want to save money.

Eat out once or twice a month. (Not once or twice a week).

Don't be a dumb, wasteful, fatso family. (I added that one myself)

You know when we ate out when I was growing up? Once in a NEVER. Unless someone else's family was eating out and I was lucky enough to be there. We ate out once that I can remember. Italian place with a fountain. It was a GD big deal. Oh, and some kid had a party at McDonalds. ONCE. I can still taste the sweet drops of Orange Drank on my 7 year-old lips.

So I guess I should start a blog and tell people to eat at home and then I'll be rich. Ugh. Stephers AKA coupon mom, you're just selling common sense. But it's working, girl. I give you my "I don't hate yer blog stamp of approval seal."


Mommy Blogger Week: Money Savin' CrayCray Mommy

I already wrote about the coupon mom phenomenon.

Let's talk Extreme Coupon Mommy Madness. These are the bloggers who list out how to get free, or nearly free, items by EXTREME COUPON TECHNIQUES.
Here's how it works. They list out, on their blog, how they got this or that for almost no money. These money saving loons have their own lingo, of course. Some of their practices are borderline hoarding. And they lose it a little bit with each coupportunity (I'm trademarking).and they are kinda ruining coupons in general for us normal folk.
There's even a TV show. And God is always involved.
Here's my version of a Extreme Coupon Mom Blog Post:

Title: Get a free Lunchables

Hi ya'll. Get a free Launchables. Here's how. 

I took the 25 cents off coupon from the Sunday paper for 1 'Lunchables Pizza to support Childhood Obesity With More Fiber Flavor.' Then, I double that with a virtual coupon from CVS, plus I used my reward perks card extreme bucks discount, then I called Wal*Mart and told them I slipped at their store and was suing them for 14 million dollars unless they price matched CostCo, then I emailed the President of CostCo and told them about the lawsuit with Walmart and got a free gift card worth $5, then I pulled out my Glock out of my purse, put it to my head, and told the checkout clerk, "I swear to our Lord and Savior, I'll pull this fucking trigger if you don't give me this Lunchables and honor all my coupon research insanity."

And that's how s/he gets the item for free. So now, not only are these people clogging up grocery store check out lines across Ahmarka, apparently it's changing the way stores accept coupons. Yeah. Thanks, extremist. Ruining everything much?

GUESS WHAT? I hate your extreme couponing blog.


Mommy Blogger Week, in honor of Violet

In honor of Mommy blogger week last week, my kid got sick! 103.5 temperature. She's fine now, and really cute. I'll add some new reviews soon, stay with me 5 friends who read my blog. I LOVE YOU. K


Mommy Blogger Week: The Queen Bee

If I was writing a book on internet memes, we're at the Chapter called "Mommy Bloggers." Or, "crazy blog bitches" as we [me] call them in my house.

Backstory: At some point in the early 2000's, being a stay at home mom went radical. The web-bubble pop of 2001, 9-11, or a general most-modern ennui made talented women rethink the work place, or; they said - fuck it - I want to be a homemaker. Whatever the cause, mommy's gone wild... at judging each other. So let's begin.

So there's Dooce. The OMB "Original Mommy Blogger." She went giant with her story of post-pardam depression. Talking about hating your kids much? Raw, relatable and human. There's an ex-Mormon spin on all of it. Bonus points - she got fired for complaining about her job on a blog. She Photoshops the f outta her photos, in the internets style. She has a photo of the day section, and other regular features that keep readers engaged day after day. She has built a very, very large community of moms and such. Very Shmart mah-ket-eng.

Here's why I hate her and don't read her blog: [SFX: dumping wine down my gullet]

At this point, she's douchy. A Professional Blogger. A banner ad huckster. Her husband quit his job. To become her manager. [SFX: me punching a hole in my wall.] She got a book deal, NO, TWO BOOK DEALS. See ABOUT ME section. Lame. I have low self esteem. I don't need this shit.

But the real reason I don't read it anymore? The photoshopping of the awesome lifestyle, the touring the country for your blog? Once you family makes a fat living on ad clicks on your blog, you're not really real, raw and relatable anymore, are you? She's got a f*cking trademark for f* sake. Ruuuully? F***.

Oh and she's so big, there is a mommy rebellion against her. Its totally amazing. Yeah, you didn't know the internet did this shit. It is real people. And I hate it all.

[SFX: me eating 16 100-calorie pack cookies.]


Coming soon...

Next week we'll talk all about mommy blogs! It's more insane then you could ever imagine!

Good times ahead.

Come with me, won't you?


Outfit of the Day week - the Finale

Let's close out a week of Outfit of the Day blogs on a positive note. Look at me, being all sun shiny and sh*t!

A blog I actually, ahem, like.
While this blog does have all the features of a blog I hate, ie the blogger had a simple idea, went for it, and now gets to blog for a living, I don't hate it. Here's why.

It's made up of real people. Walking down the street. No posing and being adorable for the camera, Kendi. No primping for hours then acting spontaneous! Just people. Who dressed themselves. Well.
I want to be friends.

Even the About Me is non-vom inducing.

Unlike a primadonna Outfit of the Day type blogs that capture a prissy little smarmy pants taking a picture of herself, this blogs is genuine. In an Up With People kind of way. And it's just cool to see real people who aren't posers. It's very editorial and real and I like it.
Red shorts, what?!

This blog even makes me think that shorts, in fact, are not just for poor people.

I guess, in the LOOK AT ME world of blogging, it's nice to to see realness being admired.
And the blogger is uberfamous now. And see, I don't hate your blog! YAY FOR ME.


You just need to see this one . . .

This person has an outfit-of-the-day blog but...yeah.

Just, digest that for a moment.

Breathe. Sit with it for a minute.

Let me know what you think in the comments.


A word about OOTD blogs and the state of America

“I will to take a picture of my outfit everyday, then post it online for all the interwebs to see.”

This thought occurs to people, all the time. They then set up a blog and take a picture of their outfit everyday and post it on a blog called something like My Kooky Dookie Outfit. It's the outfit-of-the-day blog. Or OOTD Blogs, as of course, these people call themselves. There's thousands of these blogs.

No. I don’t understand how this happend, either.

Who else would want to do this? An Indigo Child, or Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now maybe? Narcissistic much?

My Grandma [God Rest Your Soul Mary] told stories of waiting in breadlines. Thank god she's not here to have to explain this to. And the Greatest Generation  quietly weeps...
Grandma, my job is to blog!
PS:  Here’s my outfit everyday, no photo needed: imagine a hobo person, add a cardigan (my office is fa-reezing) with some throw up on the shoulder.


101 Bleghs

As per usual, the idea behind this blog is amazingly simple, my friends. And now, this blogger is her own bloggy empire. I'm sure she quit her job and supports like 25 people. From her B.L.O.G.

She was all, "OMG, I have too many cookbooks! Guess I will blog about the recipes I cook from these cookbooks. I will call it 101 Cookbooks, to mimic the Disney animated feature 101 Dalmatians."

Not only does she cook healthy, amazing recipes, she takes *beautiful* pictures of her food. (She's a photographer as well.) And she's pretty and has written a few of her own award-winning cookbooks books. Eh. I'm good at maybe one thing and I'm not even sure what that is yet.
Don't act like you know what tef is, okay? But it looks de-lish.

I want to like the recipes more than I usually do. There's always one ingredient I don't understand. Then I realize "I'm not the cultured of a person or a cook, for that matter." I don't know what harissa is. 



From the - Why didn't I think of that - File

This blog is called Things Organized Neatly. It's a visual blog of -- you guessed it -- junk organized. (Grrrrrrroan). It's popular with the design crowd, and frankly, occasionally I enjoy seeing  the ingredients for pasta sauce all spread out. It's purrty.

Is it a visual representation of the simplicity we all long for in post-modern society but fail to achieve?
Is it the visual equivalent of Deconstructionism?
A backlash against the visual clutter we're bombarded with?
An anti-hoarders movement?

I don't know.

Do the photogs look cool? Yes.
Food organized!

It's Real Simple magazine on No Doz, vitamin C and cocaine.

To achieve this look and a post on this blog: choose a topic, deconstruct, organize, sort, and space everything of one color and shape together then photograph from above. On wood.  If it doesn't look like a Real Simple magazine spread, take a deep breath and chill the f*ck out. No one cares. And there's like a million submissions a day, so you have a good chance.

PS: Technically it's not a "blog," it's a Tumblr (which is a blog). Only a person under 30 would care about that distinction. And I would call that person a douchy Millennial.

A blog I do not hate...

wrote a post in my honor. Yay!

Etsy Stalkers can make fun of my height any old day. And how I can't make a decision. Or decorate. And my 8 month-old baby girl. Wait. That's not cool.
Here's an Etsy store in honor of the Esty Stalkers blog. Maybe you should die is full of funny, relatable and kinda creepy cards. They are all cute, rude and kinda stalkerish. Thanks Jules.

A Super Human Blogger

So of course I was researching how to make a birdbath. I obvs can't do anything right, so I should I try to make a bird bath?

Then I found her. Herrrrrr. [EYES SQUINCHED]

This lady. Martha meets Ty meets an IT guy meets Bear Grilz. And you can ask her kwrestions about how to do stuff -- and she'll answer you. She even comments back to her commenters. Sheesh, lady.

People. She's got power tools. She's making icing. Chicken coop - made. Raising Monarch butterflies? Yes. She's resurfacing things, grinding her own meat, fixing her dryer and creating birdbaths out of stuff from the dollar store. She's amazing at everything, she's super cheap and she has ripped abs and she doesn't go to the gym.

There's one thing, though. Yup, Canadian.


I still hate this blog...

Remember Kendi. Yeah, KENDI. She blogs about what she wears. Every. Day. Of. My. Life.

I just wanted to check back in KendiShemdi. The photographs kinda crack me up. Can you imagine being this indulgent? I would be like, "no, stop. Stop with the pictures. I can't take myself." THIS IS RIDIC.

I hate her blog a lot, I guess. But where'd you get those cute-ass coral colored pumps, Kendi? WHERE?


The DIY-ers

The first time I read younghouselove.com, it was because of this baby picture project. Sick. Now, these people - the adorbz bloggers - are remodeling their second house. SECOND. Once their first one was done I guess they needed a new house to blog about. [SWEARING and EYE ROLLING]

You can read the amazing story here. They do all these amazing projects in their house, and with their child, and they are sweet, collaborative even! HA! And they look like they are having fun. They are not yelling at each other. And crying. And hyperventilating trying to choose a paint color for their baby room. (I have a pile of decorations for our nursery I just can't seem to decide on, which is awkward, since my kid is 8 months-old.) These people...consider my towel thrown-in. I give up.

Oh, and they quit their jobs, of course. These f-ers even have an Amazon shop. Un.be.lieveable. They do a lot more, I just need to go refill my glass of box wine now.


Hey Coupon Mom, Guess What?

I hate your blog. And yours.

Look, I use friggin' coupons. I'm a cheap bastard. All about it. But when you clog up my newsfeed with like, a free subscription to Woman's Day, it's kinda bullshit. Register now to sign up...STOP RIGHT THERE. I don't need the new Tide with Bleach sample that bad.

And somehow the Lord, and prayer always seems to be a part of Coupon Mom blogs. We save money for Jesus.
Now, there's the crazy EXTREME COUPON MOMS. Dude. I can't make this up. I was behind one recently, and she literally had every circular ad and was price-matching shit left and right. Cauliflower? Really? She got it for $1.99. Doesn't seem that extreme to me. But I hate caulflower.

I'm sure I'd save a sh*t ton if I was that organized. But I would hate myself and so would everyone in line behind me.

We'll visit you again, coupon mom blogger.


Why do I hate yer Blog?

Why do you hate on blogs so much, Kern? Why?

Here's why I hate yer blog:

1. There's an entire community of people who started a blog and who now do nothing for a living but BLOG.

Let me rephrase that for you...

There are people who started writing a blog for fun, and now, it's how they EARN A LIVING. PERIOD. Like, their spouses get to quit their jobs, too. [INSERT ME SWEARING HERE]

2. They are usually really good at something that most people can't do - like, say, coming up with amazing tasting vegan desserts.

3. These bloggers are also perfect. See this AND this.

4. The first time I read that someone had quit their day job to be a blogger, I felt rage, sadness, remorse, regret and hate. Not for them, of course.

5. I don't really hate yer blog. I kinda crush on it, and you.

6. How do these bloggers make all this money? Let's save that for another day, shall we?

So as you can see, there's lots reasons to hate yer blog.

Big Guns!

F it. Let's do this.

This is going to be a regular feature. It's gonna be call BIG GUNS. And I'm going to hate on the biggs. The big bloggers.

The ones who quit their jobs and now blog, fulltime. W.T. Mer. Fing. F? America is a good place is all I can say.

Design*Sponge, I'm looking right at you. Okay, so my eyes are blood shot and I'm a little hungover. I'm still glaring at you with envy and hateration.

Ah. I can't even read this one anymore. It's so amazingly--- amazing. It's a game changer on every level. If you haven't seen it, you're old and lame. And I hate it because it's beautiful.

And of course they are like home owners in Williamsburg now. Ridiculous.

I'm not thrifty or crafty, I guess. OR Thrifty Ideas for Stunning DIY Decor

Do you know what this would look like at my house? Like salvaged cement from a neighbors garden remodel? NO, it would look like shit, like, living under an underpass hobo style shit. Like someone dumped a bunch of their cement in my yard. Not a cool, upcycled cement picnic table. Like it does here. I hate this blog. I could never do this, but I wish I could. [I love this blog, jerks]. Curbly | DIY Design Community

Thrifty Ideas for Stunning DIY Decor! » Curbly | DIY Design Community « Keywords: Inspiration, thrift, decor, salvage

Cool. I'm the worst mom ever. Awesometown.

Thanks, hostess with the mostest blog. No, really. I needed to feel terrible about my party hosting skills. I have some dumbass CB2 plates and I call that decore and done. A couch on the beach weren't in my plans for my child's first birthday.You know what one-year-olds want? They want to stuff their face with their first bites of cake heaven and poop and sleep. Not sit on the beach. On a couch. Dicks. 

This chick


Seriously. She takes a picture of her adorable ass in her outfits. Every. G. D. Day. So she can share with the world how adorable she is. Skinny, pretty, funny, successful. Seriously? Why do you have to rub it in my face? I have enough trouble trying to find pants that fit, let alone taking a picture of my outfit everyday.

Oh, and she doesn't have any kids, she has a blog instead! OMG HOW, CA-UTE!

Oh, part duex, her name is KENDIE. [insert me swearing. A lot.]

Ugh. I hate yer blog. But I love your hair. And all your cute outfits. Okay, fine. Bring it. You're everything I've always wanted to be Kendie-kins.

I shall make fun of your blog now.

A blog about blogs! HA! How ironic.

Look, I'm going to make fun of your blog, and it's not because I'm a hater, or evil or angry. I'm just sick of feeling bad about myself because you're more craftier. Funnier. Prettier. Smarter. Find better links than I do. And you follow through with great DIY ideas.

And how you got to quit your job because your blog is so successful. I'm just jealous. Shoot.

There will be swearing fun, tears, typos and, above all, lots of blogs to look at and be jealz of. You can handle it.

And we will pronounce the blog name in a hillbilly, slingblade voice. Because it's fun. And we're kind of a hillbilly.