Happy Birthday to me Not. Really.

So far for my birthday, I got to drop screaming child off at day care... as a super sensitive, in-tune Dad walked by and said, "who is getting waterboarded?" Yay.

*sniffle sniffle*

anyways, You know what else sucks on my birthday? Bloggers who get their own magazine.

Me, exasperated at just trying to put food on the table...you,

making everything pretty and partyish and perfect.

Source: thepartydress.net via Karen on Pinterest

Mommy Blogger Month: Perfect Mommy

You know how I use this blog as a way to express what I suck at? Well, guess what? I suck at blogging, too! Yay me!!!!

Mommy Blogger Week turned into Mommy Blogger month, because I clearly can't handle life and blogging all in the same week.

This post is about how blogging and life are tough. Let's just leave it at that. So, if you know of a mommy blogger who is Mrs. Perfect (of course she goes by Mrs.) hit me up. I will ruin her in my own mind.

Aaaaaaaaanyways. Here's cute picture of my child. Poor gal.

Mommy Blogger: Coupon Mom and Common Sense

So I came across this article, and you know what. Stephanie, AKA Coupon Mom, AKA rich biotch Coupon Mom with a book deal, this is really sound, reasonable advice. I could actually get behind this.
She's not like, EXTREMELY COUPONING. Or trying to stick it to the man.

She's just got, well, common sense. Anyone? Helllooo?

Here's her advice, in a nutter shell:
Cook food at home.

Wash your own lettuce. Dumbass.

Use coupons when you want to save money.

Eat out once or twice a month. (Not once or twice a week).

Don't be a dumb, wasteful, fatso family. (I added that one myself)

You know when we ate out when I was growing up? Once in a NEVER. Unless someone else's family was eating out and I was lucky enough to be there. We ate out once that I can remember. Italian place with a fountain. It was a GD big deal. Oh, and some kid had a party at McDonalds. ONCE. I can still taste the sweet drops of Orange Drank on my 7 year-old lips.

So I guess I should start a blog and tell people to eat at home and then I'll be rich. Ugh. Stephers AKA coupon mom, you're just selling common sense. But it's working, girl. I give you my "I don't hate yer blog stamp of approval seal."

Mommy Blogger Week: Money Savin' CrayCray Mommy

I already wrote about the coupon mom phenomenon.

Let's talk Extreme Coupon Mommy Madness. These are the bloggers who list out how to get free, or nearly free, items by EXTREME COUPON TECHNIQUES.

Here's how it works. They list out, on their blog, how they got this or that for almost no money. These money saving loons have their own lingo, of course. Some of their practices are borderline hoarding. And they lose it a little bit with each coupportunity (I'm trademarking).and they are kinda ruining coupons in general for us normal folk.

There's even a TV show. And God is always involved.

Here's my version of a Extreme Coupon Mom Blog Post:

Title: Get a free Lunchables

Hi ya'll. Get a free Launchables. Here's how. 

I took the 25 cents off coupon from the Sunday paper for 1 'Lunchables Pizza to support Childhood Obesity With More Fiber Flavor.' Then, I double that with a virtual coupon from CVS, plus I used my reward perks card extreme bucks discount, then I called Wal*Mart and told them I slipped at their store and was suing them for 14 million dollars unless they price matched CostCo, then I emailed the President of CostCo and told them about the lawsuit with Walmart and got a free gift card worth $5, then I pulled out my Glock out of my purse, put it to my head, and told the checkout clerk, "I swear to our Lord and Savior, I'll pull this fucking trigger if you don't give me this Lunchables and honor all my coupon research insanity."

And that's how s/he gets the item for free. So now, not only are these people clogging up grocery store check out lines across Ahmarka, apparently it's changing the way stores accept coupons. Yeah. Thanks, extremist. Ruining everything much?

GUESS WHAT? I hate your extreme couponing blog.

Mommy Blogger Week, in honor of Violet

In honor of Mommy blogger week last week, my kid got sick! 103.5 temperature. She's fine now, and really cute. I'll add some new reviews soon, stay with me 5 friends who read my blog. I LOVE YOU. K

Mommy Blogger Week: The Queen Bee

If I was writing a book on internet memes, we're at the Chapter called "Mommy Bloggers." Or, "crazy blog bitches" as we [me] call them in my house.

Backstory: At some point in the early 2000's, being a stay at home mom went radical. The web-bubble pop of 2001, 9-11, or a general most-modern ennui made talented women rethink the work place, or; they said - fuck it - I want to be a homemaker. Whatever the cause, mommy's gone wild... at judging each other. So let's begin.

So there's Dooce. The OMB "Original Mommy Blogger." She went giant with her story of post-pardam depression. Talking about hating your kids much? Raw, relatable and human. There's an ex-Mormon spin on all of it. Bonus points - she got fired for complaining about her job on a blog. She Photoshops the f outta her photos, in the internets style. She has a photo of the day section, and other regular features that keep readers engaged day after day. She has built a very, very large community of moms and such. Very Shmart mah-ket-eng.

Here's why I hate her and don't read her blog: [SFX: dumping wine down my gullet]

At this point, she's douchy. A Professional Blogger. A banner ad huckster. Her husband quit his job. To become her manager. [SFX: me punching a hole in my wall.] She got a book deal, NO, TWO BOOK DEALS. See ABOUT ME section. Lame. I have low self esteem. I don't need this shit.

But the real reason I don't read it anymore? The photoshopping of the awesome lifestyle, the touring the country for your blog? Once you family makes a fat living on ad clicks on your blog, you're not really real, raw and relatable anymore, are you? She's got a f*cking trademark for f* sake. Ruuuully? F***.

Oh and she's so big, there is a mommy rebellion against her. Its totally amazing. Yeah, you didn't know the internet did this shit. It is real people. And I hate it all.

[SFX: me eating 16 100-calorie pack cookies.]