Easy Quickie Costumes (FOR REAL THIS TIME)

Oh no. You didn't heed my warning about Halloween coming? NOT TO WORRY. I've done some pinteresting for you and here's my solution for all things Halloween. Makeup. 

On small children and babies especially.

a crock of crazy this Sunday

It's Sunday. I'm cruising pinterest for crock pot chili recipes...and I find this:

Look closer. It's pretty impressive. Points for creativity and execution.

I bought 6 costumes for 2 kids. So what.

It's true, I have too many costumes and not enough decision-making power. I feel panicky about kids, Halloween and costumes. In a few years they'll be all "Mommy, no more. You need to stop buying costumes." So I might have gone a little craycray (as the kids say) and bought a few too many this year.

Since my dear friend JULIE called me out on her thing this weekend, I feel the need to justify all my poor decisions. I'm SURE she wasn't judging me. Right?

Let's walk through my thought process, SHALL WE. I have a little 11 month-old. [FYI: He's got a massive (white man's) afro.] I was doing pre-pre Halloween research. Here's where pinterest took us:

I was like, awe, so cute.

Maybe we should use his hair as a prop?

Inspiration.

LMFAO for tots!

On second thought this guy is just...

Afro's! On AMAZON! No idea. Only 3 left, HURRY.

Then I got hungry.

Then sh*t got weird. This is from Martha Stewart, FYI.

Cute baby 3 arms.

I'll let you know how this works out. Might just be a dinosaur. In other news, I'll be holding a giveaway later in the week for my soul! Watch for it.

This.

http://fuckyoucongress.com/

Okay, okay. I love this.

I'm always looking for stuff to keep the toddler busy. ALWAYS. I've tried the pipe cleaners straw thing; that was interesting to Violet for approximalty 22 seconds. The Cloud Dough thing; Violet literally didn't even look at it, let alone touch it. Desperate for idears here, but I can't deal with pinterest envy any longer. So I just subscribed to Kiwi Crate.

I figure this is:
- a fun package to open with kids at the very least
- a good way to avoid the Michaels/ Hobby Lobby hell
- a good way to avoid a pinterest blackhole hole
- a good regift to give if we don't like it :)

I haven't received the box yet, but I'm excited to get it in the mail. I love getting mail that isn't about paying someone for something. I'll let you know if its as fun as it seems. I'm not getting paid to say this or anything so get over it.

Just another #ManiMonday

So it's all about the manicure today. You know why? Cause it's  #ManiMonday!  

Yeah, that's a thing now. Just like saying "that's a thing" is A THING NOW. Got my drift? Okay, good. We've talked about the nail polish culture before, here. I'll break down the whole manicure thing for you.

1. Mani Monday is apparently when you take a picture of your manicure. On Monday. Then post it and # all over it.

2. Here's how to take a good Manicure selfie. True story.

3. Mani-cams - Red carpet events now have "mani-cams" - a camera that takes video of the stars manicures, so we can obsess over more things we can't ever attain. 

Here's a mani-cam at last nights Emmys. 

4. No mani-cam for  you, my Opi gel manicure is 30% chipped off. And my cuticles are generally bleeding.

So there you have it folks. Have a great  #ManiMonday!  

This is a need to know post

Can you hear the whispers?


They are terrifying. And they are saying "HALLOWEEN IS ALMOST UPON US."
If you think I'm being crazy, you go visit Michaels. You think I'm craycray? Go hook in front of Hobby Lobby right now. Yes, it's barely September. YES it was just Labor Day. YES we're still eating watermelon up in here. I know.

But the people of Pinterest are already filtering things on Instgrams, those pinterest bitches are making Halloween Terrariums. The Etsy people? They're totally busy making tutus of all shapes, colors and sizes. I WARNED YOU !!!!!!  

Quinoa

A pinterst board dedicated to making fun of hipster child photography? Yessssssss. Please!

Quinoa's friends Chevron, Glibb and her cousin Agave also make appearances. Some are funnier than others but the idea is totally awesome and makes me feel like I'm not the only parent who is sick of staged child photography/ pinterest perfectionism/ mommy shame. Oh Mommy Shaming. Maybe that should be my new website...

Quinoa and her pinterest board

4th of July you dirty whore

So for some reason the 4th of July, which is totally awesome as a holiday/birthday/ reason to buy your kid a flag t-shirt without feeling like a redneck even though you kind of are a little bit white trash inside, has become a internet blogger make-something-ridiculous-out-of-a-flag-motif DIY pinterest EVENT TO END ALL EVENTS.

Well this is adorable and totally not-possible for a normal person.

Remember this ? Of course you don't (which, yes, I pinned, dammit!)?

Ooooooooor hows about thiiiis? Yeah, I'm right on that.

But, I do feel like this would be good for a (me) great big fat person for the 4th.

Bluuuughhhhs. What just happend? Flag tac-o salad. Thats what.

Oh, here we go, this just screams I JUST SMOKED CRAAAAAACK FLAVORED PATRIOTISM.

...and don't worry, we didn't forget you mason jars!

But wait, there is more.

I just found the most ridiculous  *

(mic drop)

I'm out.

* Guess what my favorite part of this blog is? Shilling for I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER is just shameful.

Well of course!

Well of course I have a butt-load of time on my hands and a crap-load of burlap just sitting there begging to be transformed. Who doesn't?

Wait. What? A demanding fulltime job, two screaming kids, a 401K that needs shuffling and 1400 loads of laundry to fold? Please. You just march yourself over to that burlap and start crafting!
*blink* *blink* *blink*

Yay! Burlap! Now, if only you feared the lord more. MORE ON THAT LATER.

Pinterst is ruining everything in the entire world

If you don't know how Pinterst is ruining your life, lend me  your ear. Pinterest is calling you out as the lazy piece of person you really are.

Case Study: Recently I went to a Big Boring Corporation party. Calaway's-golf-shirts-&-Dockers-in-2013 boring. A few years ago this place would have served a jar of salsa made by the corporate scientist at FritoLay, cracked up Tostitos and a nice side of shut the hell up. But not now. NO. NOT NOW, BABY. Now they were serving hummus, like this...complete with mini-mason jars and individual servings.

Why just put out hummus in a cereal bowl when you can spend $30 on baby mason jars, and then spend 30 hours filling them?

Is it cute? Yes. Does it make you look lazy and uncreative when you just don't care? Yes. Pinterest is full of craft projects for the people with time. Lots of time.
Chalkboard crap
Photopillow crap
kids activities crap

How does this matter to you? Well, let's see. If you have like, one person over to your house (even if they stop by uninvited) you better have some cutesy mason jar type set-up. If you plan on having  a party you better be at Michaels crying and begging for your coupon to work at least 5 times the week before said party.

Or just hand them a diet coke and be like "I don't care about living the good life. Here."

Go hit Pinterest and search 'Mason Jar.' Or even better 4th of JULY. GO AHEAD. I DARE YOU.

Blogs can drain your bank account

I. want. to. not. look. so. tired.

I read a blog today. Inspired, I thought, maybe I should check out some of this stuff. And like someone bonked me on the head and dollars and dollars later WHAT HAVE I DONE.

I went in to Ulta with a $3.50 off coupon to get under eye concealer since I look like a f*cking zombie now. And the sales lady was so nice, helpful, honest(ish) and she like, did things FOR ME. She said things no one ever says to me. For example: "Did you want me to go grab that for you?" Then she shows up with a neutral long wearing lip color. I was like clay in her hands. Her well moisturized Ulta emplyee stank hands.

Concealer Dark circles due to lack of sleep and aging, anyone?
Lip color Long wearing. A little out of my comfortzone.
Lip color w/minty feeling
brows Awesome for my Larry Hagman brows - game changer.
eyelashes - best selling mascara at Ulta BTW
blush It's kinda a given I'd choose this one. Love everything about it.
creaseless eyeshadow (not sure I believe this) this came in the most beautiful box I've seen.

Ooops so this happend. Bye bye tax return.

Auuugh Piece of Toast

I"ll never, ever understand what makes one lifestyle/ fashion/ design blog take off and one not. They are all kind of the same. Blown out photography filters, pretty people standing on the street looking aloof and on trend and skinny.

I found these gals/sisters/bloggers/superstars when I registered for an event at Anthropologie suggested to me by @etsystalker (then I received the following email. RUDE).

Sooooooo I figured they must be the shizzle. And I clearly hate myself, so I had to like them on the Fbook since they rejected me (see how that works?) and now I get their blog posts. Which make me feel dumpy AND off-trend. They live in Dallas, just like me.

Pretty, thin, blond successful sister, anyone? I'm not sure how many pairs of cobalt skinny jeans I can handle.

HI WE'RE PRETTY. YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT.

I didn't die in a mass shooting.

Right? It's been so long since I posted it seems like I'm (this blog is) basically dead. Best blogger in the history of the world right here folks. I've been busy with life: ie, not my own life. New life. [Ugh here she goes talking about being a mom, gross]

And I most CERTAINLY have not had time to be on the web. Oh no, not me. No time.

What's it like to have a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old? Since I won't remember any of this due to the loss of memory from lack of sleep, I'll list it.

Besides holding, feeding, cuddling I'm (new moms are) occupied/obsessed with:

• Eating dessert like a pregnant person. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks -- each get a dessert.
• Begging a two-year-old to start using the potty (then getting the equivalent of the bird from that two-year-old -- changing a poop diaper while she mimics us "It's a big old poop, Mommy!")
• Panic attacks RE: cost of childcare for two kids. Heart racing, cold sweats, bending numbers in Einstein-like calculations and coming up with new mathematical theorems in the process. But none that actually make childcare affordable.
• Doing laundry. (Each time I start a load I mentally hum this but with the word 'story' replaced by 'laundry.')
• The 'balancing family and work dilemma.' Newsflash a-holes: there is no solution. (Shut the f up Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer -- you have Nannys and drivers and I hate you).
• Wanting to punch people in the face when they talk about their 2-week-old WHO ALREADY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. I WILL KILL YOU ALL.
• Wanting to line up and then run over with my car the people who judge me based on my toddlers behavior at Trader Joes.
• Not sleeping. Exhaustion. Which leads to...
• Audio Books this one, this one and this one. And I want to read this one. 
• Bookmarking.
• Staring at recipes.
• Staring at king-sized bed frames.
• Staring at vacation packages online. It's creepy, all the staring but I'm so tired I can't make decisions so I just stare.
• Pandora Toddler station. Have to say, it's pretty great. Then this happens. I'm flipping you YOU OFF PANDORA.

I leave you with -- I've had this song in my head for 2 weeks.

Sorry internets, I won't be able to attend SXSW because I'll be holding this pose